


For Better Or Worse

by Ltleflrt



Series: Feels Like Home [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Deputy!Kaidan, Do not repost, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mechanic!Shepard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-02
Updated: 2015-05-14
Packaged: 2018-03-26 18:19:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3859909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ltleflrt/pseuds/Ltleflrt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s been four years since Kaidan woke up from a failed suicide attempt and a little over two years since he married the scarred ex-soldier who helped him put his past behind him.  He has an amazing marriage, new friends, and a job he enjoys.  He’s got the perfect life, and nothing can bring him down now.  Not unless he lets it.  But an accident forces him to face a demon from his past that he had hoped to avoid forever.  </p><p>Sequel to Feels Like Home</p><p>Note:  As of 07/31/2015, this is on permanent hiatus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I'm about 10k words into this story, but I don't have any idea how long it'll be or how long it'll take me to finish it. I'm suffering from very severe writer's burnout. I really want to share this though, and I'm hoping that working on the existing text will help me get my groove back.

“Matt, where are my keys?” 

Shepard grinned at Kaidan’s slightly exasperated tone, but didn’t roll out from under the car he was working on.  “Why do you think I know where your keys are?” he called out as he tightened a bolt. 

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Kaidan’s boots as he walked around to the side of the car where Shepard’s legs were still visible.  “Because,” Kaidan said as he settled down on a knee so he could peek under the edge of the vehicle.  He was glaring at Shepard accusingly, but his lips were twitching in an attempt to suppress a smile.  “They have a tendency to end up in your pockets when you know I’m about to leave.” 

Shepard still didn’t move.  “Well then you know where to look.” 

Kaidan grunted, but it sounded like it was more laugh than frustration.  And then he was digging into Shepard’s pocket.  Kaidan’s fingers lingered, caressing through the thin cloth, which was exactly what Shepard’s goal had been, but he startled slightly when Kaidan’s other hand cupped him directly through his jeans.  “I’m wise to this game, Matt.” 

“You just earned yourself some bonus points,” Shepard huffed.  Kaidan squeezed him lightly before his hand slipped away, leaving Shepard half hard and wanting more.  He dug his heel into the garage floor and pulled himself out from under the car, the wheels on his creeper squeaking loudly until he rolled to a stop.  He grinned up at Kaidan who was still squatted down next to him.  “Guess that means you win.” 

“Uh huh,” Kaidan’s teeth flashed in a smile.  “What do I win?” 

“Me?” 

Kaidan rolled his eyes.  “Pass.” 

Shepard laughed and lifted himself into a sitting position so that his face was even with Kaidan’s.  He caught his husband’s mouth in a kiss, hooking his wrist over his shoulder, careful not to touch him with his greasy hands and mess up his uniform.  He nipped at Kaidan’s bottom lip as punishment for leaving him with a hardon.  “How about dinner, then?” 

“Deal.” Kaidan gave him a quick peck on the lips to seal it, then stood, twirling the keyring around his finger.  “Do you need anything from Thessia while I’m there?” 

“No, I’m good.” Shepard pushed himself to his feet, Kaidan rising with him, and patted the top of the Chevy he’d been working on.  “I got the last batch of parts for this baby yesterday.” 

Kaidan nodded, smiling at the rusted black car.  His eyes glinted with appreciation for the classic muscle car.  He’d gushed over the ‘67 Impala when Shepard had it towed into the garage, excited that Shepard would be restoring such an iconic car.  Shepard couldn’t wait to see his face when he learned that it was going to be his.  But Shepard was keeping that a secret until their anniversary. 

“Alright, I’d better get going so I’m not too late getting back,” Kaidan said when he looked back up at Shepard.  “I’ll call you when I’m on my way home.” 

Shepard acknowledged the promise with another kiss, and then watched his husband saunter out of the garage to where his motorcycle was parked.  He waited for the roar of it’s engine and waved with grease stained fingers when Kaidan rode past the doors on his way out of Citadel. 

“Where’s Kaidan going?” Jack asked from the door that led behind the garage. 

Shepard grabbed the rag out of his back pocket and began the futile task of trying to clean his hands.  “Some job fair thing at the high school.  I guess the local guys in Thessia are short handed, and Kaidan volunteered since it’s his day off.” 

Jack wrinkled her nose as she crossed the garage and started sifting through the parts sitting on the workbench.  “Not sure how that fucker has the patience for shit like that.” 

He gave up on getting his hands even remotely close to clean without the liberal application of hot water and orange soap, and tossed the dirty rag he’d been using on the roof of the car.  “He’s cooler than you, Jack.”  He laughed when she flipped him off over her shoulder without even turning around.  “I promised him a nice dinner when he gets back though.  Think you can handle things here by yourself while I take a trip to the store?” 

She turned and looked around at the empty garage before lifting an eyebrow at him.  “Pretty sure I got this.” 

He snorted in amusement and turned away.  He lowered the car off the lifts, and rolled the creeper under the workbench where no one would trip over it and headed into the house to clean up.  It was late enough in the afternoon and slow enough that he decided to go ahead and shower instead of just washing his hands.  He doubted there would be a rush of customers wanting an oil change at this point, so he’d just let Jack close up shop. 

When he was done, he pulled on some loose fitting shorts and one of Kaidan’s soft t-shirts.  Normandy nearly tripped him by winding around his ankles on his way out the front door, and he picked her up for a quick hug and promised to pick her up a treat from the store.  That seemed to mollify her, and she stopped begging for attention when he set her back down. 

The trip to the store didn’t take him long.  He was only planning on grilling a couple of steaks and some vegetables, although he also picked up the ingredients for strawberry shortcake. 

“Date night?” Kelly asked with her typical cheerfulness as she rang up the items. 

Shepard would be eternally grateful that Kelly no longer tried to flirt with him now that he was married.  It was much easier to talk to her now that he wasn’t trying to discourage her.  “Yeah,” he answered with a grin.  “Among other things.” 

Kelly didn’t even blush.  She practically glowed with excitement.  “You two are so cute together.” 

He rolled his eyes, but his smile didn’t fade.  It wasn’t the first time people had told him that he and Kaidan were sickeningly sweet with each other.  Mostly it was Jack, and it was never meant as a compliment.  He thanked Kelly and grabbed the bags, humming to himself as he walked out to his truck. 

Back at the house, he put away the groceries and started cleaning the mess in the kitchen that had been left from that morning.  Once he had a clean work space, he mixed up a marinade for the steaks and slipped them back in the fridge. 

He still had a few hours before Kaidan would be back home, and the garage was still empty when he went out to check on Jack.  He was tempted to go back to work on the Impala, but he didn’t want to get dirty again.  For lack of anything better to do, he went back in the house and stretched out on the couch and turned on the tv. 

The only thing on was crappy reality shows and soap operas so he set it on the History Channel, and relaxed into the cushions while he rolled his eyes over the pseudo-science of Ancient Aliens.  Normandy joined him, and the weight and warmth of her on his chest made him feel drowsy.  He hadn’t slept well the night before, so he didn’t struggle too hard to stay awake when his eyes started to droop. 

He woke with a start when the house phone rang.  Normandy jumped down to the floor when he sat up, and he had to rub his eyes for a moment to clear the fading nightmare from his mind.  A lingering uneasiness settled in his chest as he pushed himself to his feet and he rubbed a palm across his sternum in an effort to dispel it as he shuffled into the kitchen where the phone was.  The fact that it wasn’t picked up after three rings meant that Jack was either too busy to get it, or had already left for the afternoon.  The angle of the sunlight told him that he’d slept long enough that Jack should be home with Miranda by now. 

And Kaidan should have been back by now as well. 

His fingers were shaking when he reached to pick up the phone, and he pressed it close to his ear to control the trembling.  “Hello?” 

“May I speak with Matthew Shepard, please?” 

The cheap plastic squeaked when Shepard’s hand tightened around it.  “You’ve got him.” 

“Mr. Shepard my name is Officer Bailey, and I’m with the Thessia Sheriff’s department.  I’m afraid I have some bad news.  You’re uh… husband, Kaidan Alenko was in an accident, and he’s currently in the hospital-” 

A high pitched whining filled Shepard’s ears, and his eyes unfocused.  Bailey was still talking to him, and he knew he was responding, writing down the details he was being given.  But his reactions were all on autopilot.  He had no idea what he said to Bailey before he hung up the phone. 

He was barely aware of his surroundings or his actions as he grabbed his keys and his mobile phone before running out to his truck.  It wasn’t until he was a few miles down the road to Thessia that some of what Bailey had told him began to sink in. 

 _Hit by a truck._  

 _Critical condition._  

 _Taking him into emergency surgery._  

He pushed his foot down harder on the accelerator, and dug his phone out of his pocket.  It was a little reckless to be speeding down the freeway and talking on the phone but he had to let someone else know what was going on. 

Jack answered after the second ring.  “Hey, asshole thanks for leaving me alone in-” 

He didn’t let her pick up any steam.  “Kaidan’s been in an accident.  He’s in the hospital.” 

There was rustling and he could hear Miranda say something in the background.  “Jesus Christ, Matty is he ok?” 

He had to blink rapidly a few times to clear his watery vision.  “Fuck, I don’t know, Jack.  I’m on my way to Thessia right now.  They told me that he’s in surgery right now, and his bike is completely destroyed, and I-” 

“Ok, ok, calm down.  Do you want me to meet you there?” 

He let out a hurt noise, and nodded before he remembered that she couldn’t see him.  “Yeah,” he managed to get out around the tightness in his throat. 

“Alright, I’m leaving right now.” 

“Thanks, Jack.” 

“Hey, everything’s going to be ok, Matty.” 

He nodded again.  “Yeah.  Yeah, ok.” 

“Now get off the phone, dumbass, and pay attention to driving.  Last thing we need is for both of you to end up eating hospital food.” 

He choked out a laugh, and a little bit of the pressure in his chest eased.  He hung up without a goodbye and tossed the phone on the seat next to him.  Then he flipped his hazard lights on and floored it. 

It was getting dark by the time he reached the hospital.  He didn’t bother looking too hard for good parking, just pulling into the first spot he saw and sprinting across the lot to the hospital lobby.  That was going to leave his knee sore and finicky for a few days, but he gave it little thought as he slid to a stop against the information counter.  A young man looked up at him with a combination of surprise and wariness which Shepard didn’t acknowledge when he demanded to know where Kaidan was. 

The kid was smart enough not to hesitate over finding out.  He only put himself in a little bit of unknown danger when he warily asked Shepard’s relation to the patient, but he redeemed himself when he didn’t question the fact that Kaidan was his spouse despite the fact that they lived in a state where same-sex marriage still wasn’t available, and was highly rare.  If he’d given Shepard even an ounce of attitude over that he might have ended up with a broken jaw. 

Maybe the kid could tell, and was walking on eggshells around the scarred man who looked like he could kill.  Maybe he was just a decent guy.  Shepard had no idea, but he made a mental note to thank him later for not giving him any shit. 

Soon he was in a waiting room with a promise that a doctor would come talk to him, but no reassurance that it would be quick.  In the waiting room, he met Deputy Bailey who explained what had happened. 

The grizzled deputy’s voice was gentle.  “Someone was trying to get around a semi, and they must’a missed him.  Ended up sideswiping him, and his bike went under the semi’s back tires.” 

Shepard swallowed thickly.  He’d always been blessed with a vivid imagination, and he couldn’t help picturing what Bailey described.  He didn’t realize he was starting to hyperventilate until he felt the other man squeeze his shoulder. 

“Relax, Mr. Shepard,” Bailey said gently.  “He’s going to need you to be strong for him.” 

The words themselves were the same generic platitudes any stranger would give, but something in Bailey’s tone broke through Shepard’s growing anxiety.  He didn’t feel calm at all, but he no longer felt like he was plunging headfirst into a panic attack.  “You’re right,” he muttered.  “Thank you.” 

Bailey patted his shoulder, and said something about going to fill out some reports before leaving him alone in the waiting room. 

Shepard forced himself into one of the uncomfortable chairs lining the room, but he certainly wasn’t sitting still by any stretch of the imagination.  When he tried to lean back, his knees would start to bounce, so he sat forward and braced his elbows on them.  It only helped a little. 

All he could do now was wait. 

Bracing his head in his hands, he did his best to follow Bailey’s instructions and to stay calm.  Very deliberately he forced his mind to blank out as much as he could, and he began counting by fours.


	2. Chapter 2

When counting by fours didn’t calm his mind, Shepard tried sevens.  It wasn’t working very well either so he switched to counting by thirteens.  He’d gotten over a thousand, lost count, and started from the beginning again several times by the time Jack finally showed up. 

“Shepard, what’s the news?” 

Shepard stumbled to his feet and wrapped Jack in a hug.  It was a measure of how worried she was that she didn’t protest.  She squeezed him back just as hard, making his ribs twinge with protest.  Miranda was standing behind her, hands tucked in the pockets of her jacket, her dark eyes wide with worry. 

“No news yet,” he answered when he finally released Jack.  Miranda took that as her cue to approach and she ran a hand over his shoulder and down his arm.  She’d never been one for physical displays of affection, so he appreciated the small gesture for it’s rarity.  “I’ve only been here about half an hour, I think-” 

He cut off when the door across the room opened.  All three of them straightened and waited for the doctor to approach.  Shepard recognized her from appointments he’d had with her for issues with his bad knee.  Dr. Ann Bryson was young, but she’d done her internship when Mordin was still working full time at the hospital.  A pang of relief rocked through him at the thought that she was treating Kaidan now. 

Her dark eyes caught on him almost immediately and she smiled.  The expression held just the right level of reassurance and Shepard felt more of the tension drain him as she approached.  She held out a hand, which he took.  “It’s good to see you again, Shepard, although I wish the circumstances were better.” 

Pleasantries could wait.  “How is he, Doc?” 

She sighed, but the smile didn’t go away.  “I’m not going to sugar coat it for you.  He’s in a bad way, but he’s a lucky man.  The accident might have been fatal if he wasn’t wearing his helmet.” 

Shepard listened with growing horror as she described Kaidan’s injuries.  A leg broken in two places, one shoulder dislocated and a severely sprained wrist.  A couple of broken ribs, but not so bad that his lungs were in danger.  The worst part was the head injury.  Despite the fact that he’d been wearing a helmet, there had still been some swelling around his brain which is why they’d taken him into surgery. 

“He’s not out of the woods,” Dr. Bryson said gently.  “We’re just waiting for him to wake up.  That’ll take time.” 

“I need to see him,” Shepard said, and he wasn’t at all surprised at how wrecked his voice sounded. 

“Give us a little time to get him into a room, and then he’s all yours.”  Dr. Bryson gave him another reassuring smile before she left. 

It was another half hour before she was leading them into Kaidan’s room.  As eager as he’d been to see his husband, Shepard still hesitated in the doorway.  If he could ignore the steady beep of the heart monitor, the IV tubes everywhere, the casts and braces, and the bandages wrapped around Kaidan’s head, it would just look like he was sleeping.  Shepard’s first thought was worry about how comfortable Kaidan would be.  He always slept on his stomach, so he’d be miserable being forced to sleep on his back. 

Then he remembered that Kaidan wasn’t exactly sleeping, and his heart sank.  It was only a few feet to the side of Kaidan’s bed, and Shepard closed the space in just a few long strides.  He barely noticed when Dr. Bryson murmured that she would leave them alone.  He was too busy tracing Kaidan’s features with his eyes. 

The flesh around them was puffy and, Kaidan’s skin was pale.  The oxygen tube in his nose had already started to irritate his skin, and Shepard had to resist the urge to pull it free.  Instead, he tore his eyes away and ran them over the rest of Kaidan’s body.  Under the pale hospital gown and the blue blanket tucked around his body, Kaidan looked normal, despite what Shepard knew of his injuries. 

It was easy to imagine what he must have looked like when he was first brought in.  Dr. Bryson’s descriptions of Kaidan’s injuries had been clinical but thorough, and Shepard not only had enough medical training to understand everything she’d talked about, but he had also seen severely damaged bodies first hand.  Including his own.  It was a relief to see Kaidan after he was cleaned up.  If he’d seen him covered in dirt and blood and torn clothing- 

He cut those thoughts off quickly.  That way madness lies. 

Very carefully, Shepard brushed his fingers over the back of Kaidan’s hand before gently lifting it and twining their fingers together.  He had to swallow a lump in his throat when Kaidan didn’t respond by squeezing back. 

“I can’t believe this,” he whispered as he leaned down to press a kiss to the back of Kaidan’s hand.  “I just saw you a few hours ago.  How the hell could this happen?” 

“Is it okay if we come in, Matty?” 

Shepard didn’t look up at the sound of Jack’s voice from the doorway.  He nodded wordlessly, and a few second later Jack was a warm presence against his side.  Out of his peripheral, he saw Miranda come around the other side of Kaidan’s bed. 

“He actually doesn’t look too bad.” Miranda’s voice was hushed, as if she were afraid of disturbing Kaidan’s sleep.  “From list of his injuries, I thought-” she stopped and huffed out a breath.  “Well.” 

When she didn’t continue, Shepard glanced up at her.  Her features were pinched, as if she were the one in pain.  If he weren’t just barely holding himself together, Shepard’s normal reaction would be to comfort her.  But he didn’t feel the slightest bit of guilt for being a little bit selfish at the moment.  His eyes quickly dropped back to Kaidan’s still form. 

“Have you called his parents yet?” Jack didn’t keep her voice low, but she still sounded much more subdued than normal. 

Shepard covered his eyes with his free hand rubbing hard enough to cause explosions of color behind his eyelids.  “Fuck.  No, not yet.” 

“Want me to do it?” she asked. 

God, he really wanted her to.  The thought of telling Kaidan’s parents that he was in the hospital _again_ , and in critical condition… it was daunting for more than one reason.  But they were his parents too, even if it was just by marriage.  He owed it to them to deliver the news himself.  “No.  I’ll do it.”  He let out a long breath and pulled his phone out of his pocket, and finally turned his attention away from Kaidan to look at Jack.  “Keep an eye on him for me, will you?” 

Her lips pressed together in a thin line, and she gave him a jerky nod.  Shepard did his best to smile reassuringly as he slipped around her and out into the hall, but he doubted he was successful.  His face felt like it wasn’t working properly, the skin was too tight, the muscles refusing to respond to his prompting.  His whole body felt stiff and rebellious to his wishes, and it took an effort to put one foot in front of the other to take himself out of Kaidan’s room. 

It was late, so the lack of people in the hall made it seem like the whole building was sleeping.  It reminded Shepard too much of his own stay in a hospital.  It had been several years now, but despite the haze of pain killers that had surrounded him constantly, he could remember it like it was yesterday. 

He wasn’t a fan of hospitals.  And really, who could blame him?  Kaidan probably liked them just as little as Shepard did, and his throat constricted again with unshed tears at the thought. 

His feet carried him down the hall to a small waiting room where there was a vending machine buzzing loudly in the corner.  From there, he could no longer hear the steady beep of heart monitors, and he was able to relax slightly.  He didn’t want to be far from Kaidan, but he needed the distance to settle himself for the call he was about to make. 

He didn’t remember dialing, and he wasn’t sure how many times the phone rang before Kaidan’s mother picked up.  Despite the late hour, her voice was cheerful.  And thanks to the modern wonder of caller ID, she knew it was him.  “Matthew, honey, what a pleasant surprise!” 

Shepard’s chest clenched, and he had to stifle a sob.  He must not have done a very good job though, because Marisa’s voice was worried when she spoke again.  “Matthew?  What’s wrong?” 

And oh god, that made it so much worse.  He had to steel himself with a few breaths before he could speak.  “It’s Kaidan.” Somehow he didn’t stumble over the words even though they were so difficult to say, but his voice was hoarse with unshed tears.  “He’s been in an accident.  He’s in the hospital.” 

His voice smoothed out as he continued, giving her the details and answering her questions.  Hearing how broken up she was hurt him, but it also brought out the Army Officer in him.  His control snapped into place and once again he was on autopilot.  They hung up after only a few minutes, with Marisa promising that she and Kaidan’s father would be flying out as soon as they could. 

Afterwards he hurried back to Kaidan’s room, where he found Jack and Miranda had pulled the guest chair close to the bed and were squeezed onto it next to each other.  Miranda had her arm around Jack’s waist, and her head down on her shoulder, while Jack was holding Kaidan’s hand.  They looked so forlorn, that Shepard’s thin veneer of control almost crumbled.  Somehow he managed to keep it in place as he walked in and told them about his call to the Alenkos. 

The women vacated the chair for him, and told him they were going to go pick up some dinner.  Jack wouldn’t accept it when he said he wasn’t hungry, and he was strongly reminded of how she’d badgered him into taking care of himself when he’d come back home after he’d been discharged from the army.  He was not looking forward to that kind of treatment from her again, but he was grateful for it at the same time. 

Finally he was alone with Kaidan, and he sank down into the chair next to the bed.  It was padded, but old enough that it felt hard and uncomfortable.  He barely noticed though.  All of his attention was on Kaidan. 

He took Kaidan’s hand in his again.  It seemed like the only part of his body that wasn’t bruised or bandaged, but it still felt fragile between his own fingers.  Leaning forward until he could rest his forehead against the edge of the bed, Shepard settled in to wait.  The slow, steady beat of the heart monitor was equal parts irritating and reassuring in the silence of the room.  He appreciated the affirmation that Kaidan was alive, but it was bringing back some pretty unpleasant memories.  He started talking to try and cover the sound. 

“They told me your bike is totalled.  I probably can’t fix it.”  He stopped, because he didn’t want to talk about a broken motorcycle when his husband’s body was just as mangled.  “I guess it’s a good thing I got you a car.  I was going to wait until it was finished to tell you.  But…” 

_But you could die.  You could die right now and I’ll be left with a half-restored car, and the rest of my life to regret not getting to see your face when I told you it was yours._  

“It won’t take me long to finish it, but if you still want to go up to Canada and pick up your Beemer, we can do that.”  They’d decided to leave it in Vancouver the last time they’d visited Kaidan’s parents.  Most of the time Kaidan either drove his motorcycle or Shepard’s truck, and the BMW had just been taking up space behind the garage. 

Getting the Impala had been an impulse buy.  He’d been looking for a fixer-upper anyway, and when he’d found it in a Craigslist add he’d been unable to resist.  It was exactly the kind of car he drooled over when he visited car show websites, and he’d been eager to go elbow deep in her engine.  But when Kaidan had also expressed his excitement, Shepard had known he wouldn’t be reselling it once it was finished. 

Bile rose in his throat when he realized that if they’d kept Kaidan’s BMW in Citadel, Kaidan might have taken it today and the accident wouldn’t have happened.  He swallowed it down, where it burned in his empty stomach.  He had never gotten around to eating dinner, but the idea of trying to eat right now made him feel like gagging. 

“Shepard?  You okay, man?” 

Shepard looked up at the sound of Garrus’ voice.  He stood in the doorway, his worried gaze bouncing between Shepard and Kaidan as if he didn’t know who he should be more concerned for.  Tali was with him, peering around his shoulder and staring at Kaidan with wide, tear-filled eyes. 

Clearing his throat, Shepard sat up and beckoned for them to come inside.  “As good as can be expected.”  Even to his own ears he sounded hoarse and exhausted. 

Tali pushed past Garrus and was immediately at Shepard’s side, leaning down to wrap her arms around his shoulders.  The angle was awkward because she couldn’t quite bend over since her belly was so swollen with pregnancy.  He pressed himself into the embrace, soaking up the comfort. 

Garrus went around to the other side of the bed and stood looking down at his partner.  He shoved his hands in his jacket pockets and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.  He didn’t look up at Shepard when he spoke.  “It was originally supposed to be me going to the job fair,” he said softly. 

“Garrus, no,” Tali said softly.  Her tone said that they had already had this discussion. 

“He offered to go because I wanted to get the nursery finished-” 

This time it was Shepard who tried to cut him off.  “It’s not your fault, Garrus.” 

There was a tiny part of him that wanted to be mad at his friend, but he was never the type to place blame where it didn’t belong.  There were a lot of circumstances that led up to Kaidan being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and if Shepard focused too hard on placing blame, it would eventually lead him back to God, and since he wasn’t much of a believer, that was just a waste of his energy. 

But Garrus didn’t let it go.  “Shepard, if I’d known-” 

Shepard’s head snapped up, and a little bit of anger seeped into his voice.  “Let it go, Garrus.  I’m not mad at you for this, but I will get pissed if you don’t knock off the guilt trip.” 

Garrus’ mouth shut with an audible click of teeth, and he got that mulish look that always preceded a rant, but then it faded and he nodded jerkily.  He blinked hard several times as if trying to hold back tears.  “Yeah… yeah, okay Shep.” 

Tali sighed and ran her hand over the back of Shepard’s head.  The touch was light and soothing, and Shepard leaned into it.  “Is there anything we can do for you?” 

He shook his head tiredly.  “Not really.  Thanks for being here though.” 

With nothing else to discuss, the three of them settled into silence.  The beeping heart monitor was still irritating, but at least the room didn’t feel empty anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I've ever specified in any of the post FLH ficlets how JM and Kaidan handled the last name business when they got married. They kept their own last names since most people call Shepard by his last name, and it was less paperwork not to change anything. If they adopt kids they might hyphenate their names at that point.


	3. Chapter 3

Jack and Miranda came back with food from the hospital cafeteria. Just simple sandwiches, with a few extra packets of mayonnaise, but Shepard couldn’t eat despite Jack’s less than gentle insistence. He did try. The smell of the bread and cheese turned his stomach, and after putting all the mayo on the pale yellow cheese and closing the slightly soggy bread, he set it aside without even taking a bite.

“You gotta eat, dumbass,” Jack growled when she saw him re-wrapping his uneaten meal. It was the same tone she used on him when he was having a bad day and she was trying to keep him from getting worse by starving himself or drinking himself into an uncomfortable sleep.

Tonight it didn’t help. He gave her a long look, and her shoulders fell. She pressed her lips together in a tight smile, and said no more about the sandwich although she did pass him a bottle of water, still cold from the vending machine. He accepted it, and held it tightly, letting the chill seep into his palms.

The room was crowded with all five of them present, so Garrus announced he was going to take Tali home after extracting a promise from Shepard to keep him updated. Shepard smiled weakly when Garrus clapped him on the shoulder, and raised a palm in Tali’s direction when she waved at him from the doorway. 

A little over an hour later Miranda talked Jack into going home, which Shepard appreciated because Jack was being more than a little overbearing with her need to take care of him. He appreciated that she was trying to be supportive, but right now there wasn’t anything else she could do. It was making her prickly and he was too raw inside to deal with her with any sort of patience. They had snapped at each other more than once already.

However irritated he was with her, though, Shepard accepted her parting hug and agreed with a shaky nod when she demanded that he call her if anything changed.

Once he was alone with Kaidan the steady beep of the heart monitor the only thing that broke the silence. Dr. Bryson stopped in every few hours, updating the chart and humming softly to herself. She smiled encouragingly at Shepard, squeezing his shoulder gently before leaving him alone again. 

Nurses checked in occasionally as well, offering him a blanket and a pillow to make the hard chair marginally less tortuous. He barely acknowledged them, but it was still a small comfort that they appeared at regular intervals to remind him that time was actually passing and he wasn’t stuck in some weird space-time bubble where the ticking of the clock was only ambient noise and not an actual indication of the hours going by. 

The beeping heart monitor quickly got on his nerves. It reminded him of his own recovery several years ago. When Shepard had been recovering in a hospital, he’d been incredibly lonely. 

He hated to think of Kaidan waking up and feeling the same.

He tried not to think of how awful it would be if Kaidan died feeling like there was no one at his side. His traitorous brain wouldn’t leave the idea alone though. Having nearly died himself, he knew how fast the mind worked to remind you of why you didn’t want to go. He wouldn’t say his entire life flashed before his eyes, but certainly his thoughts had been on his family and friends and his wish that he could see them again. Had Kaidan felt the same? His accident would have happened in only a few blinks of an eye. Had he even had time to be scared?

Shepard veered away from those thoughts, and skipped fours and sevens, straight to counting by thirteens to distract himself.

At some point in the early hours of the morning, Shepard finally fell asleep, slouched forward with his arms and head braced on the edge of Kaidan’s bed. His dreams were an unpleasant mix of flashbacks with Kaidan dying in the bombing that killed Shepard’s squad, and normal everyday activities where it felt like someone was missing, but no one knew who Kaidan was when Shepard mentioned him.

He jolted awake from one in which he’d lost his wedding ring and all his friends thought he’d gone crazy because he was so frantic to find it and none of them knew he was married. Letting out a loud breath, he pushed up from the uncomfortable chair and began limping back and forth next to Kaidan’s bed. His knee had grown stiff while he was sitting at Kaidan’s side.

A glance at the clock on his phone told him it was just after six in the morning. He also had a few missed text messages from Kaidan’s mother. They’d gotten a red-eye flight, and would probably be at the hospital sometime around noon that day.

He was scrolling through the messages when he heard a noise from the bed. His head snapped up, just in time to see Kaidan blink slowly. His dark eyes didn’t quite focus, but he appeared to be trying to look around. 

Shepard was beside the bed in an instant, leaning over his husband. “Kaidan?”

It took a few seconds for Kaidan to roll his eyes in Shepard’s direction. His lids hung half open, and what little Shepard could see was bloodshot. Kaidan’s mouth moved a few times with nothing more than a whisper of sound escaping them, but it looked like he was saying Shepard’s name.

Shepard reached out with shaking fingers, carefully touching Kaidan’s stubbled jaw. “I’m here, Kaidan. I’m here.”

Kaidan smiled a little, and shifted to move his arm. His attention dropped to his arm, and his eyes widened. The beep of the heart monitor suddenly sped up, and Kaidan thrashed his arm clumsily, rubbing it against his side. He was mumbling incoherently, and as he moved he was starting to sound more and more distressed.

Shepard thought at first it might be because he was hurting himself, and yes he probably was, but when he caught Kaidan’s arm in one of his hands, he was close enough to finally catch what Kaidan was saying. What he heard horrified him.

“No no no.. out… want it out.. of me… no…”

“Kaidan,” Shepard said urgently. “You’ve got to stop. You’ve got a lot of injuries, and the morphine-”

Kaidan let out a sound like a wounded animal and began thrashing harder, trying to get the IV needle out. A nurse came running in, probably because the heart monitor was going crazy. She quickly joined Shepard in trying to subdue Kaidan’s thrashing.

“What’s wrong?” she asked as they tried to hold the surprisingly strong man between them down on the bed. 

“I think he wants the IV out,” Shepard explained. 

“We’re going to have to sedate him,” she replied as another nurse joined them. She called directions over her shoulder to the other man who went back out to fetch what she’d asked for.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Shepard asked. Kaidan was still fighting them despite how badly injured he was. The beeping heart monitor felt like screaming in his ears, and Shepard could feel his own heart rate rising. He began the tried and true method of counting by fours to keep himself calm. Letting himself get triggered right now would be one of the worst things that could happen.

The other nurse returned quickly with a syringe. He plunged the needle into the tube near the baggy of fluid that had been dripping into Kaidan’s IV. After a moment Kaidan’s struggles weakened and then ceased altogether. His eyes slipped closed and he went back into an unnatural sleep.

Shepard wanted so badly to shake him back awake, just so he could see those beautiful brown eyes again. It took an effort to let Kaidan go, and stand back from the bed as the nurses checked him over to see if he’d aggravated his injuries. Instead he did his best to stay out of the way when the doctor came in. It wasn't Dr. Bryson, but he still managed to assuage Shepard's fears that Kaidan may have hurt himself.

"He probably couldn't feel anything," the doctor assured him. "And the worse thing he could have done is aggravate his ribs. The fact that he woke up is fantastic news, and you should take it as a sign that he's going to recover. Especially after that head injury."

Shepard nodded as the doctor rattled on, his eyes never leaving Kaidan's sleeping face. He was glad that Kaidan had at least woken up. But he was worried about Kaidan's reaction to the IVs. Having woken up disoriented and confused in a hospital before, he knew how hard it was to recognize that he was in a safe place. If Kaidan panicked like that every time he woke up, his recovery was going to be miserable and slow.

He was tempted to ask if it would be possible to take Kaidan off the morphine, but he didn't. Kaidan was going to be hurting, a lot more than he would from any migraine. He would let Kaidan make that decision as soon as he was aware enough to do so. So he thanked the doctor, and took his place back in the uncomfortable chair as everyone else cleared out of the room.

All he could do right now was wait. For Kaidan to recover; for Kaidan's parents to arrive. For his world to start turning again. 

Shepard didn't manage to get back to sleep, but after a few hours he was no longer alone. A steady stream of visitors came by, including Wrex. The Sheriff clapped Shepard on the shoulder, nearly knocking him over before pulling him into a one armed hug. 

"He'll be okay, Shep," Wrex rumbled softly. "The doctors seem to be optimistic, and you should be too."

Shepard just nodded and leaned into the bigger man's side. He wouldn't be able to relax until Kaidan had recovered a lot more, but he didn't say anything. Wrex probably knew anyway.

Eventually, Kaidan's parents showed up. When Marissa came through the door, her eyes landed on Kaidan and widened. She let out a pained sound and rushed to the bedside to cup her son’s face between her palms. She was whispering something to him, but what little Shepard could hear was in French. 

He stood when Damien approached him, and he took the older man's hand when it was offered. "I'm glad you could make it," he said softly. Even though the rest of the hospital was bustling with activity, it still felt strange to speak at full volume.

Damien’s lips pressed together in what might be considered a smile if you squinted before turning to watch his wife fuss over their son. His dark eyes looked hollow, haunted, against the paleness of his skin. "How is he?"

Shepard shoved his hands in the pockets of the hoody Jack had brought for him early that morning before going back to Citadel to open the shop, and turned to watch Kaidan as well. "He's got a lot of broken bones, but it's the head injury that the doctors are the most worried about. They had to cut into his head to relieve the swelling against his brain."

Damien made a displeased sound. "Damn kid should have been wearing his helmet."

A muscle in Shepard's scarred cheek jumped with tension. Damien was better about not criticizing Kaidan since his stroke a few years before. A near death experience had made him decide to be a lot more accepting of his son's life choices, but occasionally he slipped back into old habits. Shepard usually kept out of it, but at the moment he didn't have the patience for Damien's judgemental attitude. It took an effort to speak normally. "He was wearing it, sir. If he hadn't been, he would have probably died."

Officer Bailey had shown him a picture of the remains of Kaidan's helmet. It had done its job and protected Kaidan's head, but it had cracked in two places. That image would haunt Shepard for a long time.

Damien had the grace to look somewhat abashed, although he didn't comment further. Instead he joined Marissa at the bedside, putting a hand on her shoulder. When she straightened and buried herself against his chest, he wrapped his arms around her in a comforting hug.

Shepard shifted from foot to foot. After a moment, he spoke. "I'll give you two some alone time with him."

Marissa lifted her head from Damien's chest and turned in Shepard's direction. "You don't have to leave, honey."

He gave her a crooked smile. "I've been in here since last night except for bathroom breaks. I should go scrounge up some food." He wasn't really hungry, but he knew he should at least try to choke something down. If nothing else, it would help him avoid the wrath of Jack if she knew he was attempting to take care of himself.

Marissa accepted that excuse with a small nod. She extricated herself from her husband's embrace and came around the bed to hug Shepard instead. "He'll be all right," she murmured against his shoulder.

He squeezed her back. "Yeah, I know." He didn't. But the words were reassurance for her as well.

Stepping outside of Kaidan's room felt strange. Doctors, nurses, and patients all went about their lives as if they didn't know how critical Kaidan's condition was. He shook his head at himself, because why would they? They had their own lives, and if they were in a hospital, their own worries. Just because he felt like he was the only one with a huge pit of anxiety in his belly didn't mean he was. 

He sighed and went in search of the cafeteria. Hospital food wasn't great, but it was better than army rations, and right now he could eat cardboard and not notice. 

A little later he had a roast beef sandwich wrapped in plastic in hand and a bottle of iced tea in the other and he was headed back to Kaidan's room. He was stopped when Dr. Bryson called his name. "Hey, Doc," he greeted as he turned to watch her catch up to him.

"Hey, Shepard. How are you feeling?" She asked, her expression a perfect combination of concern and friendliness.

"Not quite like I've been hit by a truck," he said with a crooked half-smile.

She smiled at his attempt at a joke. "I'm glad to see you're eating. I know how stressful this must be for you."

He shrugged, looking away.

"I was just going to check on him. May I walk with you?" She smiled brightly at Shepard's nod, and fell into step beside him as they made their way to Kaidan's room. "So I understand you were there when he woke up this morning?"

"Yeah," Shepard replied. "He kinda freaked out about the IV. He wanted to take it out, and the nurse sedated him."

She hummed in acknowledgement, nodding her head thoughtfully. "We need to keep him on the IVs. He needs fluids after his surgery. We might have to keep him sedated for a few more days if he wakes up and that happens again."

"I think he doesn't want to have morphine," Shepard explained. He felt uncomfortable telling anyone about Kaidan's issues in the past, but this was his doctor, and she needed to know. "He doesn’t really like to take medications. In fact he barely even likes to take his prescriptions for his migraines." They'd turned a corner and were almost to Kaidan's room. He stopped, and she did as well, turning to look up at him questioningly. "Does he need to have it?"

Dr. Bryson shook her head slowly. "No he doesn't need it. But he'll be in a world of pain without it."

"I'm going to leave it up to him," Shepard said. He continued walking to Kaidan's room. 

"That's probably for the best," she replied as she followed.

Shepard hoped Kaidan wouldn’t refuse pain medication completely. He knew exactly how painful recovery could be, and watching his husband suffer while he healed was more than Shepard thought he could handle. But he would respect whatever decision Kaidan made.

As he watched Dr. Bryson speak to Kaidan’s parents, he found himself hoping that Kaidan wouldn’t refuse pain medication. For both their sakes.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay. This chapter needed a lot of work. Probably still does, but this is what you're getting :D
> 
> This is officially where I left off when I stopped working on this story, so new updates may be slow. Please bear with me. This is tough to write because it's not as fluffy as what I'm used to.

Waking up was a struggle, and he wasn't really sure that he'd fully managed it. But if he was dreaming about his husband smiling down at him, then at least it was a good dream. Shepard looked haggard though, and he hadn't shaved in days which was unusual. The scruff looked good on him, and Kaidan kind of wanted to run his fingers through it, but his body felt too heavy to move, so he just smiled and told himself he'd have plenty of time to do it later.

Another voice, one that surprised him, came from the other side of the bed. "Oh, baby, I'm so glad you're awake," Marissa gushed as she took his hand in hers.

Kaidan winced when he turned his head in her direction. He tried to shift, and groaned. His expression crumbled into a grimace when pain ran through his body. It was as if that one movement triggered his body to wake up, and he couldn't remember the last time he'd been in so much pain. He went still, and tried to take a deep breath, but he was stopped by the tight soreness in his ribs. Instead he started to pant shallowly, which did nothing to lessen the light headedness that was suddenly assailing him. His vision, already blurry, darkened around the edges and he squeezed his eyes shut until the feeling passed. 

He heard his mother’s voice, pitched high with worry, but couldn’t quite understand what she was saying. It was too difficult to focus on her words through the fuzziness assailing him. The low rumble of his husband’s voice was soothing though, and he relaxed as it brushed over his senses. 

The next time he opened his eyes, the room was quiet but for a steady beeping off to his right. The lights were dimmer too. Had he fallen asleep on the couch, and Shepard hadn’t bothered to wake him up to go to bed?

His eyes narrowed when he finally realized the ceiling he was looking at wasn’t the one he was familiar with. Instead of a vaulted ceiling painted in plain white, he saw false ceiling tiles with recessed lights. Turning his head on the pillow revealed that he wasn’t in his home.

He was… in a hospital? Well that explained the beeping.

Movement caught his attention, drawing his eyes to the form slumped uncomfortably in a chair near the bed he was laying in. On his back. No wonder he ached so much. It was too dark in the room to see who the person in the chair was, but he knew it was his husband. A smile pulled at Kaidan’s lips, and he drifted back to sleep.

The next time he woke, the room was brightly lit again. This time when he opened his eyes, he could see clearly even though there was a dull ache at the back of his skull that wasn’t quite a migraine, but seemed to be competing for worst headache ever.

His eyes roamed across the ceiling and around the room in between slow blinks, settling for a moment on the IV pole and the monitoring machines. His gaze passed them by, and landed on Shepard who had stood up as soon as he'd noticed Kaidan was awake.

A tired smile stretched his lips. "Hey, Matt."

All the air left Shepard's lungs when Kaidan spoke, and for some reason he looked like he was ready to fall over. Taking Kaidan's hand between his, Shepard smiled softly. "Hi."

“We’re in a hospital,” Kaidan murmured around a tongue that felt clumsy behind his teeth.

Shepard nodded jerkily, and Kaidan swore his eyes had a suspicious shine to them. “Yeah, but everything is going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.”

Kaidan wanted to ask him what he was talking about, but a wave of exhaustion swept through him. Holding his eyes open too far too much effort. Besides, Shepard would still be there later… he’d ask him later…

Unaware of the passing of time, Kaidan slipped in and out of consciousness. Sometimes only his husband was there, and sometimes the room was full of people. He caught fuzzy glimpses of his parents, and sometimes he woke just enough to hear soft conversations going on around him. He couldn’t muster enough energy to pay attention most times. It probably wasn’t important anyway.

So when he woke up feeling mostly clear headed to the sound of his husband and his mother talking about the comfort of motel rooms, he had no idea that he had been mostly unconscious for almost four days. 

He must have made a sound, because their conversation cut off abruptly. Kaidan’s mother made a high pitched noise that made Kaidan wince, and was suddenly bending over him. Her soft hands were gentle against his skin, and her eyes were wide with relief. Tears spilled over the barrier of her lashes, and dripped down her cheeks. 

“Kaidan? Are you really awake this time?” 

He tried to nod, but that was a Very Bad Idea. Pain lanced through his head and he squeezed his eyes shut against it. When he opened them again, his husband stood at his mother’s side, looking like he hadn’t slept or showered in days. By the short beard that was starting to fuzz his jawline, Kaidan knew at the very least he hadn’t been shaving. 

The last time he could remember seeing Shepard was… in the garage? He’d been working on the Impala… Shepard had been clean shaven then. Was Kaidan missing time?

Trying to ignore the pounding in his head, Kaidan spoke between gritted teeth. "What…” he paused to swallow, trying to bring more moisture to his mouth. A cup was pressed against his lips, and he sipped eagerly at the flat tasting water. He tried again. The words came with difficulty because his lips and tongue didn’t form the words properly. “What happened?"

"You were in an accident," Shepard explained. He brushed his thumbs lightly over the back of Kaidan's hand. "A pretty bad one."

Kaidan focused on the touch as a way to avoid the pain. It was no longer just in his head. Now he could feel a dull ache in his shoulder and ribs. He could feel his heartbeat in his leg, each pulse sending spikes of agony up through his knee and hip. 

An accident. The sound of squealing brakes, and the strong blast of a semi truck’s horn echoed through foggy memories. 

Kaidan's efforts to breathe normally failed and his breath came in small hitched gasps. "That explains why I feel like I was hit by a truck." 

"You, uh... were. Hit by a truck that is."

"Jesus," Kaidan slurred quietly. Even to his own ears, his voice sounded strained and tired.

"It was a close call," Marissa said. She brushed her fingers softly through Kaidan's hair, and it helped him relax a little, which in turn relieved some of the pain in his chest. "I told you motorcycles were dangerous."

"Oui, maman.” It was an automatic response to a lecture she’d been giving him since he was a teen. He was barely paying attention to her. 

"Matthew, help me convince him that he shouldn't get another motorcycle."

Damien broke in at that point, and Kaidan's eyes snapped open to stare at his father who had been standing off to the side where he wasn’t immediately visible. Shit, if his dad had made the trip down from Vancouver, the accident must have been pretty damn serious. "Now, Marissa. If he's still stubborn enough to get a new bike after this, there's no saving him from himself." 

Kaidan's brows came together in consternation. He couldn’t remember what happened, and despite the pain he was in, the idea of The Accident seemed vague and unformed. "Is my bike totalled?"

"Completely," Shepard answered.

"Well, fuck."

"Kaidan!" Marissa scolded.

Damien chuckled and put a hand on her shoulder. "Leave him alone, Marissa. At the moment, he's entitled to curse like a sailor."

Kaidan gave his dad a tentative smile. The last time he has been in a hospital bed with both his parents standing over him had been a completely different experience. His father had looked angry and disappointed, and had proven it when he started lecturing Kaidan any time he'd been awake enough to listen. 

Of course, getting in an accident meant that he hadn't brought the disaster on himself, so maybe that's why his father was acting differently. He immediately felt bad for thinking like that. The last few years had been different. They still had a somewhat stiff relationship, but Damien was trying to be more accepting of Kaidan, and he was doing a pretty good job of it. 

Damien returned his smile and patted Kaidan's leg. That's when Kaidan realized he was wearing a cast. He groaned, and closed his eyes again. He almost asked Shepard for a list of his injuries, but he was hoping that if there were more he didn't know about they wouldn't hurt so much.

He groaned a little and tried to lift his hand to his head so he could attempt to massage away some of the dull ache behind his temples. That's when he felt the tug of IV needles in his arm. His eyes popped open and his eyes traced a path from the needle taped into his arm to the bag of clear liquid. 

Maybe if he wasn't hurting so badly, and feeling foggy from just having woken up, he would have been able to use reason. But his body was wracked with pain, in his head, in his chest, and now in his leg. He was tired, and a little woozy (okay, a lot woozy), and all he saw when he looked up at that IV bag was how easy it had been to push a button and get a kick of morphine the last time he'd been in the hospital. He could end all the pain, right now, and just float on the high.

There was a high pitched beeping, and it was speeding up. From a distance he heard voices, but he couldn't understand what they were saying. 

"Get it out," he croaked. His eyes caught Shepard's. "Get it out of me. I don't want it, Matt, please, get it out."

Shepard caught his face between his hands and leaned in close until all Kaidan could see was blue. "Calm down, Kaidan. I know you don't want the morphine, and I told the doctors. They've got it on a really low dose." His thumbs brushed back and forth over Kaidan's cheeks, and his voice took on the unfamiliar timbre of command. "If you don't calm down, they're going to sedate you again."

Again? Kaidan stopped struggling and blinked owlishly at his husband. He strained to remember. He must have been pretty out of it because he had no memory of the incident Shepard mentioned. The heart monitors were still beeping too fast, and out of the corner of his eye he saw someone come in the room. Probably a nurse, waiting to knock him out with another sedative. 

The last thing he wanted was any more drugs running through his veins. It took an effort, but he finally nodded.

Shepard held him for another moment, finally looking up and shaking his head at the nurse standing in the doorway. "He's fine. He doesn't need that."

Kaidan closed his eyes, embarrassed about the panic attack. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. 

The fingers cupping his face moved, brushing over his skin soothingly. They were gentle, but Kaidan still winced when Shepard’s thumb brushed over the edge of a bruise. "Don't be sorry," Shepard said softly, still close enough that Kaidan could feel his breath against his skin. He’d noticed Kaidan’s flinch and adjusted his touch away from the bruise. "You don't have any reason to be."

Kaidan smiled. If anyone would understand it was Shepard. He relaxed further back into the bed. “Yeah… okay.”

As the excited beeping of the heart monitor slowed to normal, Shepard’s expression relaxed and he straightened. “It’s good to see you awake. You scared the hell out of me.” A shadow passed over his eyes. “Don’t ever do that again.”

“Not if I can help it,” Kaidan replied with a tired smile.

His attention turned to his mother when she made a choked sound. He wanted to reach out to her, but god, he was hurting so bad. And he was exhausted. She seemed to understand though. 

Kaidan’s eyelids drooped, his energy completely drained in the aftermath of his panic attack. He thought he heard his mother telling him to keep resting, but he was already slipping into something that wasn’t quite sleep. 

Voices murmured around him, and he let himself drift. Kaidan could hear Shepard speaking next to him, and strong fingers held his own. He tried to squeeze them, but wasn’t sure if he was successful.

God, he was so tired. But the constant ache in his head and his ribs was beating at him. He wanted so badly to just take a deep breath, but any time he tried the ache would flare up.

He must have made a sound, because Shepard was close to him again. “Kaidan, are you okay?”

Rocking his head slightly on the pillow was the only response he could muster. And it was a bad idea, because he suddenly felt like he was being stabbed in the base of his skull. “Hurts,” he muttered.

The bed shifted a little as Shepard leaned over him, pressing his lips against Kaidan’s cheek. If he didn’t hurt so badly, he would have enjoyed the rasp of Shepard’s developing beard against his own. But it just made his skin feel overly sensitive. 

“I know,” Shepard said softly. “Do you… I can turn up the morphine drip a little. If you want.”

Kaidan tried to suck in a breath as he shook his head, but nearly choked on it when the sudden expansion of his ribs made it feel like he was being stabbed. This time he knew he made a sound. It was small, just a tiny whimper.

“Dammit,” Shepard breathed out. “If I could take this pain from you, I would.”

He knew that. One thing he never doubted was how much Shepard loved him. Forcing his eyes open, he looked up at Shepard, who leaned back a little. The room was dark around them, so he must have drifted in half-consciousness for a while, although he had no way of knowing how long it had been. “Love you.”

“Love you too,” Shepard murmured. “Tell me what I can do for you.”

Kaidan’s lips twitched up despite how tired he was, and how much he hurt. There was nothing Shepard could do, but he demanded a way to help anyway. “Just be here,” Kaidan answered softly, just before his eyes slipped shut and he began to drift again. 

He must have managed actual sleep because the next time he woke fully the room was dark other than the green glow of the monitors next to the bed. He turned his head on the pillow and found Shepard sleeping in what looked like a very uncomfortable position in the chair next to the bed. Again. Kaidan was mostly sure this wasn’t the first time he was seeing his husband scrunched up in that chair.

He was definitely going to end up with a kink in his neck.

Kaidan was tempted to call out and wake him, but he imagined Shepard wasn’t sleeping much. It wouldn’t surprise him if this whole thing was causing him anxiety issues, and he hoped he was taking his medications. Shepard was better about it these days, but he still didn’t take them as regularly as he was supposed to.

Turning his head hurt, so Kaidan rolled his head back until he was staring at the dark ceiling. His lungs ached, probably because he couldn’t pull in a deep breath without his ribs reacting poorly. His head felt a little clearer, but that wasn’t necessarily a good thing. It made it easier for him to catalogue every bruise and broken bone. 

When he’d turned to look at Shepard he’d felt the tug of tape on the back of his neck, probably from a bandage. He could feel the weight of the cast on his leg. One of his arms seemed to be wrapped tightly to his side, and when he attempted to move it, pain burned through his shoulder, causing him to hiss through his teeth.

He froze, worried that he might wake Shepard. But his husband’s breathing didn’t change, and he didn’t even twitch in his seat. Kaidan’s heart ached at the idea that this might be the best sleep Shepard had gotten since the accident, however long ago that was.

Kaidan did his best to hold still, trying not to aggravate his injuries. But the more he tried to hold still, the tighter his muscles became and the pain only increased. He huffed a breath in irritation at himself, but that only succeeded in making his ribs ache more. 

Turning his head on the pillow again, he eyed the rack of machines next to him. There was a familiar plastic remote hanging from a hook. It had a plus and minus button on it, and he knew exactly how little it would take to ease his pain.

He hated himself when his hand lifted from the bed. The pain it caused in his chest was intense, but it only spurred him on. It took a lot of effort to get his hand up and wrapped around the white piece of plastic, and he nearly dropped it trying to get it off the hook. But he eventually had it in his hand, his thumb resting on the plus sign. It would take very little pressure to increase the flow of morphine.

His eyes turned to Shepard, tracing his features in the dim light of the monitors. He still hadn’t shaved, and was sporting a healthy looking beard. It looked good with the shaggy mop of dark hair he’d grown over the cooler months of winter and spring. Kaidan wanted to reach up and touch his own face, to see how long his own beard had grown, but wasn’t sure he had the energy to make the effort.

He tried to take a deep breath in preparation for a sigh, but his lungs hitched when the muscles around his ribs pulled tight. Gritting his teeth, he held his breath until the spasm calmed, then let out what little bit of air he was able to suck in. 

It hurt. Everything hurt. His head, his shoulder, his chest. His leg barely registered among all the other aches and sharp pains, but he suspected that was because he hadn’t tried to move it. It made his skin feel tight, and his eyes feel swollen. He felt the agony pressing him down into the bed, trapping him.

Tears pooled in his eyes and slipped down the sides of his face as he pressed his thumb down on the button.


End file.
